


It's not hard to fall

by Fictropes



Series: 25 fics advent [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Getting Together, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Still a little bit of your words I long to hear.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: 25 fics advent [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022262
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	It's not hard to fall

**Author's Note:**

> not quite a song fic, but defo heavily inspired by [cannonball](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yqM--IMkX4&ab_channel=DavidGrayDavidGrayOfficialArtistChannel) and my interpretation of not quite knowing what you are, and being a bit scared of trying to give it a name but just knowing you're SOMETHING more than what you're trying to pretend you are.. ;_;

They kiss under the cover of excuses— _just fun, just because, just to see._

Dan terrified to give in, Phil scared to push, and both of them unwilling to speak out-loud— to give what they’re doing a name. 

So they dance around each other—physically, metaphorically—hands on waists in the kitchen, sentences only half finished. 

Skype was easier. More wriggle room, the option to leave after they’d said something too bold and couldn’t face the consequences. In person they can’t really run, instead Phil is left to stand awkwardly in the living room beside an attempt of trying to turn this into _something_.

Phil’s bolder— sometimes. Chases Dan with the promise of kisses and fun, the promise of it being nothing more than Dan wants it to be. He’ll think he’s convinced Dan without any of the difficult conversation being spoken out-loud, convinced him through lips and hands and the glimpse of this is what we _could_ be. 

Then Dan will rip the rug out from under him, leave him on unsteady feet— with an even unsteadier heart.

Phil will think it’s over, but then Dan will whisper the words that keep this going along, that have them running around in circles chasing each others affection. They’ll get dizzy one of these days, have to sit down and confront that this is more than something they’re doing on a whim— for _fun._

There’s intention behind everything they do—how Phil’s always touching, how Dan insists on walking up the stairs ahead. Everything is calculated, but everything about how they keep going too far is accidental. 

He’d never considered all the love in his heart to be a weakness before, but he feels awfully fragile when he tries to hand it to Dan and it falls through his hands. It’s a reminder on his sofa cushions— a gut punch of a reminder— that people don’t have to _accep_ t just because you’re so willing to _give._

But god does Dan do it so nicely, all pretty words and apologies— with a kiss that tastes like salt. 

This time it’s Phil who says the words that put them back on track, pretends the stain on his sofa cushions doesn’t exist and his heart is still as big as it was when Dan walked through his front door. 

They go to bed and they have _fun._

Dan gets closer and closer to it, to saying something he doesn’t mean and Phil almost wishes they were still just skyping— that he’d never experienced how it feels to have Dan in his arms. He makes himself sick thinking about how this isn’t forever, that Dan can leave his house and go to someone else who can maybe give him more— or less, because maybe it’s less that Dan wants. 

Phil retreats back, feels like he’s watching a car crash in slow motion— watches his own limbs reach out to hold Dan in a way that’s far too tender. Fun isn’t cradling a man’s jaw just so you can stare into his eyes. It isn’t trying to memorise every freckle, every line, every atom of their existence because you don’t know how you’re going to cope when they’re not sat beside you. 

He watches himself fall— heavy and with thud— obvious to anyone, obvious to Dan who’s staring at a patch on the wall instead of him. He wills himself to fucking drop it, to put his hand back in his own lap, but his brain is just background noise compared to the loudness of his heart. 

It’s all over— until—until Dan reaches back, until Phil is back in his body and no longer watching it from the sidelines. He’s experiencing all this up close, the softness of Dan and his fingertips as they trace along his cheek— his eyes looking back at Phil as opposed to anywhere else. 

They’re both unsure, both feel too young for how big this is. Neither of them can name it when they don’t understand it, only know their hearts have never felt quite like this before— no one else has ever felt like home. 

The words are still hard to find, but the way Dan whispers into his ear sounds an awful lot like love. 

“I don’t want to go, going back there when i’ve found home is— shit, it’s crap, tell me I can come back soon?” 

“You can come back whenever, Dan.”

**Author's Note:**

> [if u wanna reblog on tumblr! i always appreciate it :)](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/636322316601688064/its-not-hard-to-fall-complete-735-still-a-little)
> 
> as always lemme know what you think!!!!! i pwomise they are together hngbtrfedwefgr this is a happy ending lmaooo.
> 
> [also !!!!! i don't think i'll get 25 done but i still have little ideas that i wanna play around with and prompts so basically this series will go on but just with as many fics as i feel able to actually write :)!]


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